We’ve all been there–an out-of-town visitor asks us how far of a walk it is to dinner and we tell them, “Oh, just a few blocks,” but by the time they arrive they’re famished, their feet are blistered, and they want to scream at us for our skewed sense of distance. This is just one aspect of living in NYC that comedian Leslie Jones addressed in a hilarious rant on this week’s “SNL.” Others include the difference in length between avenues and blocks (“I’ve been on Fifth Avenue for ten hours!”), the east side versus the west side (“The last East/West thing I understood was Biggie and Tupac.”), and the grime of the subway (“Did rat feces dust just fly into my mouth?”).
This is what Jones, who moved here from LA last year, has to say about all the walking New Yorkers do:
Everything is hard in New York. Why does it need to be this cold? Why? And I’m tired of walking. I gotta stretch before I even go to the store. And New Yorkers don’t know how to give directions, a ‘couple of blocks’ ends up being FIVE MILES. I went to meet a man at a restaurant that you New Yorkers say ‘is a couple of blocks’ and I almost froze to death like Jack Nicholson in ‘The Shining.’ These avenues is killing a bitch. Lord, why does the avenues have to be longer than the blocks? I’ve been on Fifth Avenue for ten hours! When is it going to turn to Sixth?
And stop trying to explain this East/West stuff to me, okay? Because I’m not going to get it. The last East/West thing I understood was Biggie and Tupac and that did not end well.
And when it comes to the filthy subways:
The subway just nasty. I was standing on the subway platform one day and a breeze came through and I wanted to kill EVERYBODY. Did rat feces dust just fly into my mouth? And my date, this guy who I thought I liked, is standing there like ‘Ooo doesn’t the breeze feel good?’ and I’m like, ‘No, shut up. We just died here, we just caught rat AIDS.’
[Via Business Insider]
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